Love Letter from my heart..

This day, 29th May 2004 was the happiest day of my entire life. We were fortunate enough to get married in a castle. I truly felt like a princess.  I found out at 4.56pm that Crystal Palace were being promoted to the Premiership, so Ben would be happy as we exchanged vows at 5pm regardless of how I looked, if he was getting last minute regrets or wanting to run away, he would be smiling and I just hoped it would be because of me.  Ben is my utter rock.  We have ups and downs like most couples and arguably the best thing that ever happened to us, our amazing daughter Charlotte, is what has caused more rucks and arguments than ever before.  There are no disagreements bigger than parental choices and our little princess plays us against each other so well. She is the winner and the apple of her Mummy's eye. Sorry Ben, but I would choose Charlotte every time over you. She needs me and cannot be without me. You on the other hand are fat enough and ugly enough to stand on your own two feet and can look after yourself,  kind of. You would live in a dirty pigsty but could watch as much Jeremy Kyle, Jerry Springer and stupid fishing programmes as you like.

But on the other hand, I want to thank you Ben for the last ten years of marriage. I am still madly, deeply in love with you. You make my heart flutter and skip a beat.  I loved our spontaneous fun days of gigs and festivals, camping trips and endless fun. I love the day that you turned up at my office with a cactus. I love my daisy earrings and necklace. I love the day I was not in the mood for a festival and you made the pub landlord play Insomnia by Faithless and two seconds later we were heading out to Clapham in the rain and buying a dodgy ticket from the tout that dragged us in the woods. You are not flowers and chocolates. You are unique. You are a weirdo with your "Benisms". Your Mum said it would work between us because, "I got you" and not many people do because you are a bit of a freak of nature. You don't keep in touch with that many people, you are a bit of a loner and like your own company, but you never cease to amaze me. A shy man, that dresses up as a Chippendale, Cock Fosters and Alice in Wonderland that delivered the most amazing wedding speech ever, from your heart, that even had grown men in tears.

I am proud of what you have achieved. You turned your life around from a pot-bellied lager lout to a super athlete running marathons, competing in duathalons and riding 100 miles on your bike; raising thousands for our favourite charity, the Miscarriage Association.

Thank you Ben for being my absolute rock.  I could never have got through our baby losses without you. You had to deal with my pain and your own. All the focus was on me, not you, yet you were so sad yet so strong. Thank you for lifting me when I lost my business and helped keep me calm and in control during my court case. Powerful and strong. Powerful and strong. Of course, I won, sorry we never saw any of the cash, but we did it!! Thank you for being a great father, a wonderful husband and a brilliant son-in-law. Thank you for understanding my Mum's illness. I do not have to be embarrassed or ashamed when you are with me. Thank you for being there when my Dad was a very sick man with cancer. You were by his bedside choosing horses with him and placing his little bets, giving him some normality in his life.

I hope I am there for you when you need me. I know I can be selfish and self centred. Me Me Me Me xxx

You are my personal career consultant, my best friend, my clown, the son I never had, the man I will grown old with and be by your side until death do us part.

Tender is the night...

This blog won't be shared on Facebook or Twitter. Not now, maybe later, maybe sooner, but not right now. It is somebody else's grief.

When I was 9 months pregnant, I played a song over and over again to Charlotte in my belly. I could not wait to meet him or her. I was so excited.  The record was Tender by Blur. I later found out it was about heroin addiction. Come on come on come on. Get through it. Love is the greatest thing. I'm waiting for that feeling. Oh my baby.  It is said that a baby will later recognise a tune. Charlotte loves it and we play it over and over again in the car. We call it "The Baby Song" and Charlotte always says, "play the baby song, play the baby song"

This week we found out that her teacher lost her baby at seven months. She is a very special teacher. She has looked after my child from the day she entered independency.  I feel that I have hit gold with this teacher.  She has done a great job and the children in her class have been excited about this forthcoming event that should have had a happy ending. We were told in a well written letter from the Head Teacher that there was no heartbeat and subsequently the baby was lost. So sad. So tragic. Parents and children of the school, particularly Grasshoppers class are devastated for Mrs J and her husband.  The letter advised us to tell our children in the way we feel is appropriate.

Charlotte looked absolutely shocked and said nothing, just stared at me as if she could not comprehend what I had said. Her bottom lip trembled and she asked lots of questions. This will be the saddest news that the majority of the children in Grasshoppers have been told in their little lives to date. Charlotte is refusing to listen to "The Baby Song".

Please Lord, may this lady and her husband find the strength that allows them to cope with their grief and may they be blessed, when they are ready with a healthy and happy baby.

There was an old lady that smells of wee

There was an old lady that smells of wee, it’s me you see, when I’m 63;

That won’t happy to me, I’m not going to smell of pee, not me, you’ll see.

There are many medical conditions that cause incontinence in men and women, which is both sad and distressing for everyone involved. But I am telling you now for free, I am not going to be weeing my knickers because my pelvic floor muscles are knackered. Oh no.  I have been quite good with the exercises, and I can jump up and down on a trampoline quite safely, but I do not do fifty squeezes and lifts every day and there has been the odd moment of slight concern when laughing or sneezing. I discovered that I am not alone in preparing for the future and found some exercise balls on Amazon. Now, please don’t go thinking that I mean Anne Summers, I do not. These little balls come with weights that apparently work miracles. However, 2 months on they are still in the box.  I met an old school friend recently who threw her Aquaflex balls in the bin a few weeks ago, still in the box, unopened after five years!!

My Primary School reunion night was fabulous and great to catch up with old friends.  I love my new friends too that I have met through Charlotte. A lot of them are just reaching the big FOUR 0, now or have a few years leading up to it. I am pretty jealous as my next big birthday will be Fifty – maybe I will make the Villa in Ibiza in 2019 for hard-core partying. That had been the plan for my 40^th, but my world changed when this amazing little person entered my life – so instead of dancing all night long I was coming to grips with breastfeeding, changing nappies and a different kind of sleep deprivation. 

I do have friends that have hit the 40 and have chosen not to have children or are pretty relaxed about it. I was absolutely obsessed and would not have stopped at anything for a child.  I think I would have robbed a bank if it would have given me a baby. For years, I dreamt of a babe in my arms and was pregnant for around four years before Charlotte entered the world. I did have a period of a year when despite falling pregnant easily three times, nothing happened. My fertility levels were high, Ben obviously had swimmers that could hit the mark, but month after month my friggin period arrived! I took my temperature, peed on ovulation sticks, Googled all day long, joined chat forums, had more tests, had therapy, had acupuncture, yet still could not get friggin pregnant and it really was breaking my heart.  I was so sad, that after years and years of turning my back on the Church, I decided to go back, with Ben, to put some peace back into my life and maybe faith would help me with my baby dream. The first time we went to the Church, St Matthews in Surbiton the sermon was about a lady that was baron. She was sad and desperate like me and made a promise with God that if he were to bless her with a baby, she would ensure that her child grew up around the church and would spread the world. Lo and behold, this lady fell pregnant and gave birth to a baby boy whose life was surrounded by love and gratitude to God.  Well, that is what I would do. I made my mind up and prayed every single night to the man upstairs to give me a child and I promised in return that my son or daughter would be bought up as a Christian. Apart from Ben, no one knows this until now. I am pleased we made that choice as whether it’s all a load of BS or not, it has helped Charlotte learn some pretty decent values in life. I will chill out about it as there are so many nice things to do in special family time on a Sunday, but I will keep my promise as am grateful to the amazing gift that I received back in July 2009, whether it had anything to do with my faith or not.