I had a truly fabulous time at a glorious Essex Wedding. I just can't stay out of the county at the moment and I still haven't bumped into Mark Wright. The September sunshine allowed the ceremony to take place in a beautiful English garden of a classy Country Manor. The guests looked stunning, the fascintors were colourful and I couldn't help noting a few pairs of Leboutons. I felt like I was witnessing Brad and Angie getting hitched and was looking out for the helicopters above but they were obviously out trying to get a glimpse of Kate M iddleton's boobies (disgraceful!). I needed a pee so badly throughout, thank god the pelvic floors have improved a bit since I have been bouncing on my trampette.
The Canopes were pretty special as the bride and groom had their pics taken in the beautiful setting that is Braxted Park. I should have eaten more but was too busy to speaking to my new best friends! I did however manage to fit in quite a lot of champagne that was flowing and flowing and flowing. The eight of us that formed a little group of loud and gobby recruitment consultants were getting pretty pissed. We desperately needed some food to soak up the alcohol that we were consuming quite rapidly.
Our table, named Leeds Castle (nice touch Dave, after my wedding venue!!) forgot all about etiquette and wolfed down the bread rolls long before the delicious chicken and ham terrine arrived. The beautiful centre pieces of the tables were delightful and thank goodness included some grapes and apples as we were more than a little bit peckish before dinner. We weren't sure if we were meant to look at the fruit or eat it, but it was very yummy.
The food was amazing and very pretty - noveau cuisine - is it still called that? Gordon Ramsay would have been ;proud. The wine and champagne continued to flow. I have never been to a wedding with such generous portions of booze.
Dave the groom looked nervous but dapper. The Bride looked truly stunning, young, fresh faced, happy and in love. I think all women should be over 30 when they marry. It should be the law. Rebbecca looked around eighteen in her bridal gown.
The Father of the bride said some nice words. I must learn from this as am doing the "Father of the Bride" speech at my Sister's wedding in two weeks time. OMG. I have to write a speech, rehearse it and lose around half a stone in a fortnight. EEEEKKK.
Dave showed off his true talents and sense of humour in top form. Dave is a cross between Frank Spencer and Frank Skinner and I would pay to see him to Stand Up Comedy. the Best Man's speech was not the worst in the world and Dave was a hard act to follow and I was truly interested in how long the emails were during the on-line courtship of David and Rebecca. He did very well. Anyway it was time to dance!
Ben and I cadged a lift back to our hotel from my boss and his wife, who happen to be good and longstanding friends. Our five minute journey took more than half an hour. Oh Satnav, why do we rely on you so much? All we had to do was turn right and left and we would have been there not driving around some little dark Essex village and around and around then getting directions from the hotel porter and still got dropped off the wrong side of the A12. It was past midnight and there I am climbing over the central reservation with my dress hoisted up over my knickers.
We had a great time and David and Rebecca will have a wonderful future together that will last forever. I did ask Dave the next day if he had done "it" and he neither denied or confirmed. I am intrigued by the question of how many people shag on their wedding night. Apparently its only 17% according to my Battle of the Sexes Sex Quiz that I used to host when I was a Twentys Rep. I am ;proud to say that I am part of that 17% - shame I don't see much action these days, I better get that quiz out again from the loft.
Night night, time to start thinking about that speech...
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