Mum's the Word

I need to clarify the record re the mother-in-law.  She is kind, generous, sincere, good with the grand kids and is brilliant in a crisis but has zero communication skills and at times can be a frigging nightmare! Bossy, condescending and confrontational, wants to pick a fight and to be quite honest, had she been a child today would be labelled with Aspergers or severe behavioural issues.

My two week holiday in her company was made pretty hellish at a difficult time in my life but saved my getting to spend precious time with my amazing daughter and wonderful husband Ben who manages his mother brilliantly. I feel sorry that I created this bridge for him.

I feel emotionally drained from everything that has happened during the last few weeks. The jubilee weekend was a time to celebrate but we were sad after my Mum suffered a heart attack, a stroke and pneumonia. We were given the news over the Bank Holiday that she probably would not survive 48 hours and if she did that we were to arrange palliative care. Palliative is a new word for me. It makes things so final but in a strange way gives the deceased-to-be some dignity in ensuring their final days are comfortable.

We were given a miracle. My lovely Mum defied the odds and is thriving with an extremely weak heart. She is still in hospital and it looks likely that she will be back in her own home by the end of next week. My Dad is a Saint. He looks after Mum with tenderness and love that I can only dream of (Ben if you are reading this, please love me like that when I am approaching the sunset of my life). 

It is a fact that the husband usually would be the first to pass away. Why is that?  Who cares (hee hee).. pictures of me in years to come flirting with some old codgers at Bingo...

Questions....

Nothing about the menopause. Just questions.  Both were recently asked to my candidates at interviews.

Question 1: Who was the last person you upset and why?
Question 2: What would be the News Headline of your life?

The first question is easy. Charlotte. I always upset Charlotte. I don't mean too, but I do occasionally turn down her request for chocolate and she gets the right hump if I stop her trying to climb on top of the wardrobe.  I tell her that I make her cry sometimes because I love her so much.

The second question is a difficult one. Its not often that I can't think on my feet. Here are a few answers I can think of:-

• Menopausal kills husband by chopping his balls off
• Epsom mum fights right for ginger people
• Morbidly obese Epsom woman weighs 66 stone and has to be lifted out of bed with a crane (well, that could happen one day if I don't stick to the Slimming World diet)
• Epsom Mum Karen Halliday beds Mark Wright (Oh, I wish, but then I would to let Ben have a go with Danni Minogue)
• JK Rowling gets knocked off the number 1 spot by new author Karen Halliday

This makes me realize that my life is actually a little bit dull. I need to pull my finger out! 

Menopause Madness

I don't need my womb anymore. There will be no more babies for me. why on earth do I need my ovaries and the risk of ovarian cancer, the silent killer?  Why wait for the menopause?  Why can't these unwanted accessories be taken away?  Bring it on!  Maybe in fifty years time performing these ops will be as routine as a tonsillectomy or self extracting with a home kit might be the norm.  Then it will all be done and dusted rather than waiting for the friggin menopause and having to deal with all the symptoms and suffering. 

I am forty two. Fertility is deemed by many to be over by the age of forty five, though of course you  can still get pregnant naturally right up to the menopause. Contraception. I am not even gonna go there, but you know what I mean. Who wants to be fiddling around with the pill, condoms or even worse and grossest of all, the coil,especially at this age. I would rather eat dog poo than have the coil fitted.

On top of that, those around me will suffer with my mood swings and my moaning and complaining about how rough I feel as well as have to deal with the tantrums and mood swings.  It would be great if the medics could "just do it" for me and while they are at it, please throw in a bit of botox and liposuction so I look hot for my Benny Boy. Thank you.

The Best Things in Life Are Free

A difficult thing for me about being in my 40s is the lack of excitement in my life. My life is great and I am very blessed with what I have but it's pretty depressing that there's no new experiences that give me a natural high.

In my teens and twenties life was full of new and amazing things that thrilled me:- first kiss, falling in love, backpacking Europe, going to Bermuda, seeing some of the wonders of the world, hash with Heineken in Amsterdam, the Ibiza life as a rep to name but a few.  Career goals have been achieved, I married the love of my life and gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. 

Life excitements are now channelled through my daughter Charlotte and life is amazing again. I have so much to look forward to with Charlotte and Ben. Even work is great as I compete to be the Number 1 consultant in the company.

The Bank Holiday weekend was stunning.  We walked behind a waterfall, descended 600 steps and climbed back up again and hid in sand dunes. Charlotte ate fish and chips for the first time and helped build her first bonfire as the sun went down, toasting marsh mellows and enjoying that melt in the mouth feeling.

I am so lucky.

Does Your Mother Know?

 It has been over a week since mad Lisa’s hen weekend and its taken that long to recover! What a laugh we had. Friday night in DYMK – Does Your Mother Know – a great bar in Bournemouth was eye opening. The DJ was a crass but likeable Drag Queen, the place was full of nice boys, transvestites and lipstick lesbians.  I had fun trying to work out if the transvestites were pre or post op and being jealous of their long slim legs. 

Saturday was shopping day – and oh what fun I had without my two year old clinging on to my ankles or asking for a wee wee or a Mackie Dee.  It was such a relaxing day and gave us time to recover from all of the shots and vodkas from the night before. I felt like a “lady that lunches” sitting in the Dorset sun.

Saturday night was a little bit mad and Lisa was on great form and a stunning hen!  The rest of us went out in bunny ears and dicky bow ties, which was quite tame compared to other “henettes” that we crossed paths with during the night including school girls and burlesque babes.

The Adonis show was a typical cheap and cheerful cabaret. It was a little bit tacky, but did we give a toss? No, but the nudey wudey men did give a toss or two to give their floppy member a helping hand. It was quite erotic actually and left me feeling a bit hot under the collar. The strippers were pretty damn foxy and the place was loud with large groups of cackling women wanting to see the full monty. I didn’t realise that full monty meant EVERYTHING.  I have never seen anything like it. Oh, what fun and most importantly Mad Lisa loved it!

The club afterwards was exactly what I imagined – it stunk of wet dogs and the girls that had exited the Adonis show were joined by some horny men that had spent the evening at the comedy club next door. Music was cheesier than my favourite macaroni dish and very loud – oh, god I am getting old.  We had so much fun though and fellas still tried to pull us – even though our gang are mostly over 40 or pretty close to it.  One of the girls got pretty offended because a guy outside smoking had guessed her to be a year older than what she is, then dug the whole deeper by saying she looks a spitting image of Kim Cattrell – who is at least ten years older. To put the final nail in the coffin, he put his hand to her knickers to “twang” what he thought would be a thong, but in fact was a nice big pair of Bridget Jones specials! 

We have vowed to have a weekend away more often, that would be fun if I can handle the pace.

No likey no lighty

Young Ashleigh at work thought it would be fun if I made friends on Facebook with a young hot model called David that appeared recently on Paddy's dating show.  David had already accepted Ashleigh as a friend, but she is young and gorgeous so why would he accept my friend request when I am a middle aged not very yummy mummy? Well, he did! Wahoo!! Even though he has about two thousand and seven hundred friends including other desperate housewives, I am still chuffed to pieces. I am feeling full of life and raring to be let loose in Bournemouth for Mad Lisa's hen weekend which starts today.

Outfits, perfumes and lots of lip gloss packed. Legs shaved. Nails done. Toes painted... I am now raring to go. I have kissed Ben and little Charlotte goodbye. Farewell until Sunday and am now Karen, not Mum or Wifey, actually I am not even Karen, I will be known by my alias of Foxy this weekend!  Wow, it has been a long time since I have felt Foxy!! Ha Ha! Lock up your sons, or Dads or Grandads!!  Only joking Darling Husband if you are reading this.

I am doubly excited, as my lovely friend was 8cm dilated at 10am this morning and I can't wait for those little twins to arrive! 

Have a good weekend everyone and I will be back soon when my hangover has passed!!

WTF

I saw a boy I once knew at the local carvery restaurant at the weekend as I was ordering an extra large plate of meat and sausages, piled high with 2 Yorkshire puddings and loads of spuds and veg. I have not seen this guy since the mid 90s. He looks absolutely fab and the years have been very kind to him. Me, on the other hand has jelly belly wobbles, a big spot on my face and I was about to gorge myself in a mountain of food fit for King Henry 8th.  He didn't see that I gave away the yorkshires (yuk) and that left a hefty pile of food on my plate. Yes, my eyes were bigger than my very large belly. This has kick started my diet once gain so if I bump into Mr Dove again, I will not look like such a middle aged Hefferlump.

The countdown is on now for Mad Lisa's hen night but I have only four days left to look slim and foxy. I had better get to M&S for a panty girdle.  I am now very much looking forward to going away and I think Ben and Charlotte will be just fine without me.

I have had a fun week. I've been ranting on Facebook about "Dad's Only" mornings at one of the playgroups in Epsom.  I would have loved to watched Charlotte at football training, but felt sorry that some of the kiddies couldn't play fooite that day due to absent Fathers,. That makes me feel sad. When I asked the Centre if little Albie and Little Zaki could attend the football with their Mums, I was told to find a Grandad or Uncle. GGGRRRR.

Work was brilliant.  I am flying high in the competition to be taken to the Grand Prix, but there's still another month or so to go, so time for it all to fall part for me and its pretty tight. We work hard in the office and have little banter as the priority is to make placements but we did reminisce about my colleague Jackie's appearance on Crack-O-Jack in 1977. Young Ashleigh had not even heard of it, well she has a good excuse as was not born until '88. "Its Friday, its five past five.....". Number 1 at the time was Boogie Nights by Heatwave. God that makes me feel old (sorry God). Especially as Englebert Humperdink or whatever the old codger is called was also in the charts.  Enough said.